EMAIL TEMPLATES FOR THE CONFLICT AVERSED
So in the past few weeks, friends of mine have utilized or thought of utilizing email as a way of bearing bad or unpleasant news. For example, my good friend in NY is trying to find a diplomatic way of ending a casual dating relationship she’s been involved in.
How should I end this, she asked?
I replied, how about an email?
What should I write?
The following is my suggestion:
Dear _____,
This is a hard letter to write so I’m not going to disrespect you by trying to avoid the issue. I think at this point, I would be more comfortable if we could just be friends in this relationship. Although I enjoy our time together and would love to continue to do so, I find the idea of embracing you passionately as appealing as warm lettuce.
I’m not saying your wholly unattractive because I’m sure many people have found your [describe feet, hands, eyes, hair or other nuetral body part] appealing but for me, I would rather sleep with a burlap bag full of rabid mongooses then to spend a night with you. And I say this with the deepest amount respect.
Please accept my apologies for writing to you via email. I know it’s impersonal but I’m being selfish in avoiding a personal face to face conversation where it would be inevitable that my stark revelation would be greeted by weeping and bawling from you.
I hope we still hang out but I understand if I am too much raw carnal temptation for you to be able to maintain a platonic friendship. Hopefully I will talk to you soon but take comfort that I will treasure our time and always think of you fondly as a warm pleasant surrogate younger brother.
Best regards,
[Insert your name here]
