EMAIL TEMPLATES FOR THE REALLY PISSED OFF
Someone pissed me off recently… pissed me off to such an extent that I’ll plan meticulous god fearing horrible retribution after I’m done directing my show in September. This person doesn’t know how pissed off I am but that person will. In the mean time… enjoy this email I wrote but never sent. Good weekend all.
[Insert First Name]:
It is with a great amount disappointment and frustration that I am replying back to you.
Although I appreciate that [Insert condescending statement trying to put yourself in their shoes only to actually invalidate their entire existence]. This does not alleviate your display of unprofessionalism and wanton disrespect to myself and [other people harmed that you don't really care about but it makes it more effective when it's not just you that got shafted]. I do wish you could have [action that could have avoided me contemplating removing spleen your spleen]. Inconvenienced is the most polite way to describe the situation you have left me in.
Unfortunately, my frustration and inconvenience is understandably secondary to your needs. Thus, having received an email as your choice of primary communication, you’ll understand if I choose the same method to convey my annoyance which as I already said, will probably not have any impact in your future decision-making process.
Out of some basic need to be cordial, I offer my obligatory well wishes. I can at least assure you that I’ll handle any future associations with yourself with an appropriate level of civility and discretion [hopefully lulling them into a false sense of security].
Signed,
[Insert your full name here]
July 15th, 2005 at 1:32 pm
Sang,
This is why I love you.
kisses!
LJD xxx
July 15th, 2005 at 2:33 pm
Look you cranky ole bastard, I do so know that you’re pissed off AND I’M SORRY YOU HAD TO GO WITH JASON TO BUY BIKINIS FOR THE TWINS!!!!
Look Sang, I was having a Bad,Bad day…okay fine, I was just hormonal but dammit man you try being an Irish/Italian Catholic Woman and NOT be hormonal. I have ovaries the size of cantaloupes and they shoot heat seeking eggs!! I said I was sorry already! I’ll buy your Harry Potter book tonight okay? But let it go Man !!!
I didn’t know Little CindyLou Who was going to be at Target interogating you for holding lil girls clothes now did I?
Holy Cow you have a temper you know that buddy?
July 15th, 2005 at 2:39 pm
Oh and all bikini jokes aside - I can have the crazy Italian boys go after whoever wronged you. I mean whats the point of having felons in the family if you’re not going to use them?
Remember I got your back babe.
Red