Model Minority

A local theater production company here in San Francisco, put on a night of short one acts (15 min or less).  For some reason, one of my submissions was accepted.  Thankfully, a talented director friend of mine and three equally talented actors performed this piece.  I wrote this sucker in an hour and it’s actually an idea my partner in NYC came up with.  Although I enjoyed his version, I went ahead and gave my spin on the premise of pre-nups.  Any resemblance to people and events are purely coincidental otherwise I’d be an a-hole for putting it in a sketch for public consumption.

Open on a LAWYER sitting behind a desk while a young couple, KEVIN and AMANDA sit in front of them. They appear to be comfortable and just beginning their conversation as we join them.

 

LAWYER: First off congratulations.

 

KEVIN: Thanks.

 

AMANDA: Thank you so much.

 

LAWYER: When’s the date set for?

 

AMANDA: The spring. Sometime in April. We’re still confirming the date with the hall.

 

KEVIN: They’re holding us hostage is what they’re doing.

 

AMANDA: Oh don’t mind him. He’s being grumpy.

 

KEVIN: I am grumpy.

 

LAWYER: I’m sure everything will work out.

 

AMANDA: Absolutely.

 

KEVIN: I’m not worried.

 

AMANDA: He’s not. He’s really not.

 

LAWYER: So let me put you at ease. You’re good friends of Eric and Linda and I don’t want to let them down.

 

KEVIN: They spoke very highly of you.

 

AMANDA: They were very happy with the work you did for them.

 

LAWYER: I’m glad. I’m even more glad that the papers I drew up for them are still just sitting in a drawer here.

 

KEVIN: Ha ha ha.

 

AMANDA: Oh we’re very openminded about the idea of pre-nups.

 

KEVIN: It’s not like it’s omen of things to come.

 

LAWYER: Exactly but there is a misconception that a prenuptial agreement signals a weakness in the marriage.

 

AMANDA: God. We don’t think that.

 

KEVIN: I have car insurance. That doesn’t mean I’m necessarily a bad driver.

 

AMANDA: Well that’s a bad example honey.

 

KEVIN: Oh ha ha.

 

LAWYER: So let me outline what we’re going to do today. We’re not actually going to put anything on paper. Rather I just want you to feel comfortable with the process.

 

KEVIN: Fine.

 

AMANDA: That’s great.

 

LAWYER: What you have to see is that this isn’t preparing for any worse case scenario or implying the inevitable. Rather, we’re reinforcing a sense of equity and fairness. When you know where each of you stand, it makes it easier for you to stand together.

 

AMANDA: Oh that’s sweet.

 

KEVIN: Slick. Very slick.

 

LAWYER: Thank you. So. What do the two of you do for a living?

 

KEVIN: I’m an actor and Linda is a dentist.

 

AMANDA: Eric is a very good actor.

 

KEVIN: Thanks honey.

 

LAWYER: Great. So can I assume that Linda is currently making more…

 

AMANDA: We don’t like to think about that.

 

KEVIN: No. No. It’s okay. I’m cool babe. Equity and fairness right?

 

LAWYER: Atta boy Kevin. This is a perfect example. Both of you are aware that there is a…difference…between your incomes so lets come to terms with that.

 

AMANDA: I am at terms. I want Kevin to have half of whatever I make.

 

KEVIN: Oh Amanda.

 

LAWYER: That’s wonderful. But just so we understand. Amanda you’re okay with Kevin taking half the assets under any circumstances.

 

AMANDA: Of course.

 

KEVIN: Oh Amanada.

 

LAWYER: Wow. Even if say Kevin were to have an extra-marital affair?

 

KEVIN: Oh god.

 

AMANDA: Kevin would never have an affair.

 

KEVIN: Exactly.

 

LAWYER: I know you say that now in the flush of love. But what about 3 years down the line and your career begins keeping you late at work. And Kevin begins to feel under-appreciated.

 

AMANDA: I would never do that to Kevin.

 

KEVIN: Yeah. I mean she’s driven. Obsessed sometime but she knows her priorities.

 

AMANDA: What do you mean I’m obsessed?

 

KEVIN: No no. I just meant you get caught up in what you do.

 

AMANDA: Oh. Well there’s nothing wrong with that.

 

KEVIN: Absolutely. I certainly won’t mind that.

 

LAWYER: This is true. Kevin has a life of his own.

 

KEVIN: That’s right.

 

LAWYER: A lot of friends to keep him company. Like Josefina.

 

KEVIN: Yeah. [confused] Who?

 

AMANDA: Who’s Josefina?

 

LAWYER: That new executive assistant they’re gonna hire at his temp job 4 years from now.

 

AMANDA: What?

 

KEVIN: I don’t know what he’s talking about. It’s a hypothetical Amanda.

 

AMANDA: Yeah but why are you cheating on me in this hypothetical.

 

KEVIN: I’m not cheating on you! God. It’s just coffee. Josefina and I are just having coffee.

 

LAWYER: This is true. They just have coffee at that café around the corner.

 

AMANDA: You take her to our café?

 

KEVIN: No. NO. It’s not like that. They have good coffee.

 

AMANDA: Does Lou know?

 

KEVIN: Who’s Lou?

 

LAWYER: Lou who owns the café. Keep up Kevin.

 

AMANDA: God! I can’t believe you forgot Lou’s name.

 

KEVIN: I just found out we’ve been going to a non-existent café a second ago. Give me a break.

 

AMANDA: It would be just like you to cheat on me with someone like Josefina.

 

KEVIN: I’m not cheating on you. And what do you mean, someone like Josefina.

 

AMANDA: You know. She’s exotic.

 

KEVIN: She’s from

Cupertino

!

 

AMANDA: You know what I mean! Why have sex with your vanilla wife when you can heat things up with a fiery latina.

 

KEVIN: Ah god. That is so unfair. And narrow-minded. There’s nothing different about Latinos. Man. They’re going to be the new majority of white people 20 years from now. It’s not like Josefina is Philipino or Burmese.

 

LAWYER: Uh oh. Bad move Kevin.

 

AMANDA: I knew it.

 

KEVIN: Knew what?

 

AMANDA: All those massages.

 

KEVIN: They’re legitimate!

 

AMANDA: I bet.

 

KEVIN: My masseuse is a guy named Sammy.

 

AMANDA: More lies.

 

KEVIN: It’s the truth. You know what else is the truth. Sammy has touched me more than you have in the last year of our marriage.

 

AMANDA: I’m tired Kevin.

 

LAWYER: That’s right. Expanding a practice is emotionally and physically exhaustive.

 

AMANDA: Thank you.

 

LAWYER: Even if she has help from that young new assistant Roy, Amanda still has to shoulder most of the burden.

 

KEVIN: Assistant?

 

AMANDA: It’s nothing.

 

KEVIN: Oh it’s nothing when it comes to your boy toy of an assistant but god forbid I have a conversation with Josefina.

 

AMANDA: That’s not the same.

 

KEVIN: Of course not. Just like it’s not the same that I’m supportive of your career but you’ve never taken my acting seriously.

 

LAWYER: That’s unfair Kevin. Amanda has supported you emotionally and financially.

 

AMANDA: Yeah.

 

LAWYER: So she missed your last two shows. No big deal.

 

KEVIN: They were two important shows Amanda.

 

AMANDA: I’m sorry if I missed you’re weird absurdist plays Kevin.

 

KEVIN: They were Beckett.

 

AMANDA: It was you on stage speaking gibberish wearing a clown outfit.

 

LAWYER: Don’t blame Kevin. He had a bad director.

 

AMANDA: He’s always blaming the director or playwright or even the sound guy. Sometimes it’s you Kevin.

 

KEVIN: I can’t believe you just said that!

 

AMANDA: Calm down Kevin. There will be others. What do you care? I’m sure Josefina gave you a standing ovation.

 

KEVIN: Josefina supports my craft in a way you never did.

 

AMANDA: Say that again when Josefina is paying the mortgage on our new house.

 

KEVIN: When did we get a house?

 

LAWYER: A couple of months after the wedding. Keep up Kevin.

 

KEVIN: What was wrong with our two bedroom?

 

AMANDA: You expect us to raise the twins in a two bedroom.

 

KEVIN: Twins? I thought you were on birth control.

 

AMANDA: I told you wanted I wanted to start trying.

 

KEVIN: No. We discussed about trying. You just went ahead and made a unilateral decision. Like you always do.

 

LAWYER: Maybe because you let her Kevin.

 

KEVIN: You stay out of this!

 

AMANDA: Don’t yell at him. He’s protecting my interests.

 

KEVIN: It’s supposed to be a dual representation.

 

LAWYER: It is Kevin. It is. You’re doing okay aren’t you?

 

KEVIN: Okay? I was supposed to have half.

 

AMANDA: Well that sure changed after Josefina.

 

KEVIN: Ohmygod. Why are you still obsessed with her? She got transferred to Seattle.  Besides. Why was Roy your assistant at our house when I came to pick up the kids for the weekend?

 

AMANDA: Roy was just dropping some things off.

 

KEVIN: I bet. 

 

AMANDA: I don’t like your accusations.

 

LAWYER: Now now. I thought you’d be happy with the settlement. It’s not like you’re the one paying spousal support or child support.

 

KEVIN: Yeah but she got the house and the kids.

 

AMANDA: You never wanted the kids to begin with.

 

KEVIN: I was surprised. But god. You know I love them Amanda. Joey. And poor little Julian. It’s so hard on him especially. You know he’s so sensitive at that age.

 

AMANDA: I don’t like upsetting them either Kevin.

 

KEVIN: I need more time with them.

 

AMANDA: I don’t know if I can trust you.

 

KEVIN: Yes you can. Think about what we used to be. What we were. When we were happy. Remember? The man I was before all this…stuff…happened. Remember the man I was…10 minutes ago.

 

AMANDA: It was so long ago.

 

KEVIN: Not for me Amanda. Not for me.

 

AMANDA: Are you…are you asking…that maybe…we…try again?

 

KEVIN: We could take it slow.

 

AMANDA: Slow would be good.

 

KEVIN: A couple of dates.

 

AMANDA: I’d like that.

 

KEVIN: Maybe I could stay the weekends.

 

AMANDA: It could be good for the kids.

 

KEVIN: Good for us.

 

AMANDA: Us. Like a family.

 

KEVIN: Like we used to be.

 

AMANDA: Oh Kevin.

 

KEVIN: Oh Amanda. I don’t know how I ever lost you.

 

AMANDA: I don’t ever want to lose you again Kevin.

 

KEVIN: Let’s get married again.

 

AMANDA: Oh my god. [surprised but giddy] You’re crazy.

 

KEVIN: I know. I promised we’d take it slow but don’t you feel it.

 

AMANDA: I do. I do feel it. It’s…It’s like…

 

KEVIN: …destiny. I love you Amanda. Be my wife again.

 

AMANDA: Yes. Oh god yes. A small wedding this time.

 

KEVIN: Just a few friends and family.

 

AMANDA: [playfully chiding] No latin ex- co workers.

 

KEVIN: [playfully chiding] No pretty boy assistants.

 

AMANDA: Oh I’m so excited.

 

KEVIN: Me too. Me too. But. I feel we should be prepared this time.

 

AMANDA: How?

 

KEVIN: I don’t want the same mistakes to happen again like last time.

 

AMANDA: In case things…turn difficult.

 

KEVIN: Yes. We should talk to…a professional.

 

AMANDA: You know Eric and Linda used someone for their third marriage.

 

KEVIN: Is he good?

 

AMANDA: He comes highly recommended.

 

KEVIN: Let’s see him. What’s the harm?

 

AMANDA: Okay.

 

KEVIN and AMANDA turn to the LAWYER.

 

LAWYER: Hello. So first. Let me first say congratulations.

 

KEVIN: Thank you.

 

AMANDA: Thank you so much.

 

End.

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