Model Minority

Okay.  It’s been a month since the show ended and I’m preparing the big wrap-up entry and closing this BLOG down.  Of course that monster entry is taking a while so in the mean time, I decided to peruse my Science Section of the NY Times to see if any other big science… um… stuff happened.  As I mentioned in my last Science is FUN entry, scientists and researchers are still f*cked up.

First – “A raft of new studies suggest that cyclists, particularly men, should be careful which bicycle seats they choose… The studies add to earlier evidence that traditional bicycle saddles, the kind with a narrow rear and pointy nose, play a role in sexual impotence… In a bluntly worded editorial with the articles, Dr. Steven Schrader, a reproductive health expert who studies cycling at the National Institute for Occupational Safety and Health, said he believed that it was no longer a question of ‘whether or not bicycle riding on a saddle causes erectile dysfunction.’ Instead, he said in an interview, ‘The question is, What are we going to do about it?’  The studies, by researchers at Boston University and in Italy, found that the more a person rides, the greater the risk of impotence or loss of libido. And researchers in Austria have found that many mountain bikers experience saddle-related trauma that leads to small calcified masses inside the scrotum.

Kick off those training wheels, stow away the bicycle bell and for god’s sake, STOP THAT POOR PAPERBOY because the only thing little Timmy’s gonna be delivering is a disappointed wife and emotionally crippling sexual deficiency. 

Remember all those times you were on your dirt bike and bumping and skidding as that hard plastic seat slammed into your gonads like construction crew’s piledriver…

… what’s that you say? You’re asking me to tone down on the insecure homoerotic imagery?  Hell no!  Just for that, we move on to woodland creatures making out…

Second – “The mystery of how deer and elk spread chronic wasting disease from one animal to another may be solved: their tongues are infectious.  When the animals lick or slobber on each other - a fairly common occurrence, especially among elk - the agent that causes the fatal disease may be shed from their tongues via saliva. And when they graze, leaving sloughed-off tongue cells and saliva in grass and soil, the disease could be widely transmitted.”

HA HA!  Guess, it doesn’t pay to be a slut, huh Bambi.  Remember what your mom told you before her brains got blown out… Jesus never kissed open mouthed and neither should you. 

Third – “For more than a century, scientists and laymen imagined that the mysterious gooey masses - some as large as a school bus - that wash ashore on beaches around the world came from great creatures with tentacles long enough to sink cruise ships. Warnings were issued. Perhaps, cryptozoologists speculated, the blobs were the remains of recently deceased living fossils more fearsome than the dinosaurs, or perhaps an entirely new sea creature unknown to science.  Then last year, a team of biologists based at the University of South Florida applied DNA analysis to the mystery. It turned out they were nothing more than old whale blubber. "To our disappointment," the scientists wrote, "we have not found any evidence that any of the blobs are the remains of gigantic octopods, or sea monsters of unknown species."

People ask me why I don’t like the beach.  I have many reasons and now I can add another… “floating whale fat”.  Which begs the question… how exactly did the whale fat end up on shore… is their aquatic male liposuction going on out there?  Do whales suffer from bad self esteem?  I mean they are intelligent mammals that have feelings so why can’t they feel shame and body dismorphia?  Is there a whale out there not eating krill because it’s too fattening?  Is it physically possible for a whale to be a bulimic?  I mean a whale can binge, but how can it physically purge?  It’s flippers can’t reach for god’s sake.

Finally in light of the new footage of that giant squid captured by the Japanese which supports the awful stereotype that the Japanese bring their cameras everywhere, one scientist quoted the following: "Wouldn’t it be fabulous to see a giant squid capturing its prey?" asked Dr. Roper of the Smithsonian. "Or a battle between a sperm whale and a giant? Or mating? Can you imagine that?"

No Dr. Roper.  I can’t imagine that.  I don’t want to imagine that.  You scare me Mr. Roper.  You scare me.