Model Minority

Bullet point updates:

I moved out of my drug-infested neighborhood for the comfort of affluent white people who do much better drugs.  Hurrah!

I’m gearing up for another show this winter in San Francisco and remembering why I enjoy writing more than anything else.  Pudding proof can be found in that I just finished Stage managing/Asst directing a show and aside from the wonderful cast, I can honestly say I would rather suffer through an awkward reach around by a pirate with hooks for hands than do this again.

I’m taking the California Bar in less than two months because I’m a stupid masochist.

And people are pregnant, or have kids, or getting married and I’m projectile vomiting all over the place as I spin futiley around the circle of life.

Speaking of which… based on the success two of my friends had, I decided to try out this eHarmony things.  My god was it a waste of time.  I’ll let anyone whose interested know the boring details but this bit of prose below pretty much sums up my feelings.  No offense to K.P. and D.R., I like that you both found cool people.  Unfortunately the universe continues to find entertainment in matching me up with crazy bug f**kers.

WARREN

Isn’t it time you took the first step towards meeting that special person?

JOHN

When I first met her it was like…

JANE

Wow.

JOHN

Yeah! I could feel that this was going to be…

JANE

Wow.

JOHN

Yeah Wow.

WARREN

I’m Dr. Neil Clark Warren and I’m inviting you to join the ever growing number of people who have found the true joy that is finding your compatible partner.  The love of your life could be waiting for you.  Aren’t you ready?

APRIL

Cause you try these other sites and it just didn’t give me what I was really looking for.

DYLAN

Hell!  I didn’t even know what I wanted.  Thank god for that 45 page personality profile.

APRIL

Exactly!  This was a site that not only knew what I always wanted in a husband, but it told me things that I didn’t even know about myself.

DYLAN

(ominous)

Deep things.

APRIL

(even more ominous)

Deep… secret things.

WARREN

Our extensive personality profile is the tool we provide to help you find your perfect match.  Go online right now and take advantage of our free personality analysis.  Yours free with no obligations.  Join our family. Our members… are legion.

JANE

When you find out that the person you’re with is going to be the one… THE one… then nothing and I mean nothing is better than that.

JOHN

Ha ha.  Well.  Maybe except a cure for cancer.  Ha ha.

JANE

(furious)

Fuck your cure!

APRIL

Before  Dylan, my life was just a series of incompatible partners.  And then I met him.  And on our first date, as I looked into his eyes… I realized my search was over.

DYLAN

And when I looked into her eyes and saw my own crippling fear of loneliness reflected back at me, I knew deep in my heart that I was never going to be by myself again.  Never.

APRIL

I’ve never felt more close to someone than when I hold him in my arms at night.

DYLAN

(tortured)

Sometimes at night… I can still hear their screams.

WARREN

So what are you waiting for?  Your next great journey is ready to begin.  Don’t miss your chance to find the meaningful relationship that can only come from true compatibility and our thorough personality match program.  Only through the power of monogamy will my appetite be sated.  I hunger!  I hunger for commitment!

JANE

Because a kiss isn’t really a kiss until it’s with the person you’re going to spend the rest of your life with.

JOHN

(whiny)

Too bad all we do is kiss.

JANE

(bat-shit fucking crazy)

Are you ever going to let me finish a thought you whiny bitch! (reaches to unloosen her belt)

JOHN

Not the belt!

WARREN

The world could end tomorrow.  The world WILL end tomorrow.  Will you join us in the final rapture or be left behind.  Come join us.  Feel my God’s love.  Feel Orca’s love!  Orca wants you to be happy.  Orca wants you to be safe.  Because when you find someone…

Cut to COUPLE #1

JOHN & JANE

…when you find that one…

Cut to COUPLE #2

DYLAN & APRIL

…when you find THE one…

WARREN

Then your life is ready to begin.  Glory to Orca!

ALL

GLORY TO ORCA!